FRIENDSTER BLOG (4)

MY "NEW" BATTLE

(June 10, 2009)

okay. here i go now. i think 4 days to go its school already. new life it is indeed. everybody knows that i “shifted”. from archi to ece.  i transferred school also. from um to addu. it was a very big decision–very hard to make. i have been through a lot before i ended up with what i have today. the process was very heart aching. i can almost see my brain exploding from thinking about what should i really do.

i’m enrolled already. i am now a certified ece student at addu. but. here comes the “but”. I’M MISSING MY ARKI BUDDIES. and i mean all of them. from my classmates to our higher year friends.  i have been with them for 1 year. i spent my arki life with them. together we have made so much memories. they even helped me during those very down times in my lilfe. let’s just say. i became attached to them UNNOTICINGLY. oh yeah. that’s really it. that sometimes i think to myself. “did i make the right choice?” “what if i’ll go back to archi and be with them again?” oh yeah. i know. stupid questions you may  say. but i can’t blame myself.  i am weak. so weak. i wnt to make me strong. but how? i reall don’t know how to.

BRITTLE–that’s the very best word that fits me today. you know. i have made all the decisions already. been through the battle. but look at me now! with just one word? i’m already “MOVED”?! oh no. even i myself. i don’t know what to do with me already. i shouldn’t lose focus. but yet. i don’t know! sometimes i hate myself because of it. it’s just that. i really don’t know how to make me strong. i wanna be. i really want to be strong! to be focused!. but. arrgghh.

.maybe i just can’t let go. oh yes i admit i have the difficulty in letting go. in accepting things. oh super it’s really hard for me. i don’t know. maybe i just treasure memories too much that i can’t let go of the people whom i shared those memories with. i think. i really think so. even before. that was my problem already. but now. i wanna change it. i wanna learn the science of letting go and in accepting things the way it is happening.  i really hope so i could learn this as soon as possible.

i know. i’m here already. i mean. i should continue the battle which i have started. i should not easily break down because like what grey’s anatomy said “the moment you surrender you forget exactly the reason why you’re fighting” ouch. it really strucked me. that’s why i should not give up anymore. i have to win this. and eventually bring home the bacon which i so long to have.

it won’t be easy adjusting again. but i just hope that people around me will help me. may i have the sense of belongingness, the family, the buddies, the motivation, the eagerness to go to school, the determination, the focus, the contentment, and most specially, the happiness that i need to win this battle. i know it’s gonna be tough. but if i have all these, at least i have the strength to continue and surpass the battle. and i will always remember the very reason why i’m fighting.

i miss you all guys. my arki buddies. but i know we should not worry because this is just a part of life and that many battles even bigger as this wait us when we graduate and face life’s real reality. don’t worry. we can still bond with each other. remember. it’s not the quantity of time, rather it is the quality on how you spend it.

to my ever dearest KUYA. i’m sorry if i my grip in archi wasn’t so strong that i failed to tighten it. i’m sorry for asking you so much questions and doubts over and over again. honestly, i’m afraid. i’m afraid that i’ll lose this battle. that what if i made the wrong decision. you know it KUYA. but i’m trying to be strong already. i am building up myself again erasing all these doubts and replace it with encouragements. that i know YOU have plans for me. that these all happened because you want me to learn. that i know someday i’ll have a “place” on this earth. that i will become succesful in this field i chose. they will be proud of me. and most specially. I WILL BE PROUD OF MYSELF.  i hope YOU understand my situation right now. i hope YOU won’t stop loving me ang guiding  me to the right path. don’t ever leave me KUYA. with YOU by my side i know i can do this.  just help me through it. and i hope i’ll be fine. i will be strong. i have to be! I LOVE YOU KUYA.