Wednesday, September 29, 2010
THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-NINE
i did not notice the time! haha! it has been 369 days already since i started blogger! 1 YEAR AND 4 DAYS! hahaha! happy 369 days to my blog! happy 369 days seventhpaper! :))
52 MESSAGES
i just erased some of the messages in my inbox as well as in my sent items. of course, i didn't erase those memorable messages. you know me, i am very sentimental. and as i checked, my inbox has 52 messages and my sent items has 55. i want to make it both 50, but i can't help it. i can't erase such memorable messages.
actually, i am really sleepy now. i just slept for 5 hours last night. i should be in bed right now. but i don't know why. tinatamad pa akong matulog. i felt that i should do something first before sleeping. so here i am, typing a new post.
i just want to share something --- something which happened yesterday. nobody knows this yet. but i think after i'll post this, the whole universe will know it already. that is! if someone, out of boredom, accidentally browsed my page out of nothing at all. haha.
okay. here is what the story is really. it's a continuation (sort of) of my last post. ralph texted me last sunday and everything followed. yesterday, i let jake (kevin) read our conversation (me and ralph). oh really i was nervous. it was like my hands were super shaking. then after, i let him made his comments and violent reactions. his first question was "mahal mo pa siya?" i immediately answered, "di na." then i had a little explanation about things until i ended up sharing to him what was REALLY our story. oh i know blogger you know already my story with ralph. so i won't relay it AGAIN in this post. haha. so that was it. i also explained to him the reasons why i don't believe easily. why sometimes i doubt. why i made a decision for him to wait for me until i graduate. the reasons for everything i am now. i told him that it was because I AM AFRAID. i am scared to trust again or expect easily. trauma in short. because of what happened in the past, i am traumatized now. my tears were almost falling that time i was explaining. but i was able to stop it. thank GOD. then he put his left hand around my waist and i lay my head also on his left shoulder. i don't know what to say anymore until such time these words came out my mouth. "thank you. dahil kahit bad ako, mahal mo pa rin ako. di ka napapagod mahalin ako. thank you at nandiyan ka pa rin kahit problema na lang lagi binibigay ko sa'yo." and you know what? i just burst into tears. i felt it. tears. TEARS. falling tears! i didn't know i was sobbing already. i was saying thank you and sorry to him with my eyes so full of droplets of water falling down. I WAS CRYING.
what kevin did? he wiped my tears. he offered me hanky but i refused. he hugged me tighter. he held my hand tighter. he put his face near mine. he kissed me. he kissed me over and over again. he kissed me on the lips over and over again. he kissed me on the cheeks. he kissed me on my forehead. he put his face close, closer to my cheeks.
then he said, "don't worry. di lagi ako maging kagaya ni ralph. di ko gagayahin si ralph. iba man ako. i am not one of them. hindi man sex ang hanap ko sa babae." i interrupted, "true love?" (with a little smirky smile) he answered, "YES." (with a little smirky smile too) then i told him, "sumbaga si ralph pag magkita mo. bali-balia jud iyang bukog. as in sipa sipa-i jud siya. (RAR!)" he replied, "oh ayaw kabalaka. sumbagon jud to nko sya pag mgkita mi. ngnong gipasakitan man ka nya. sumbagon jd to nko sya. wla syay klaro." (pasikat daun braces. haha.)
yesterday was also the first time he said to me I LOVE YOU in person.
last night was really a turning point. napalabas ko na talaga lahat ng hinanakit ko kay ralph na matagal ko ng tinatago. i cried. and mind you, it was the first time i cried to a boy personally. good thing kevin was there. if he wasn't there, oh i don't know what will happen to me yesterday. i was happy. very happy. not because of kevin's kisses! hahaha! oh it is a factor too. hahaha. but honestly, i didn't expect those kisses. all i want yesterday was that masabi ko lang kay kevin lahat lahat at maging clear na talaga sa kanya na siya talga pinili ko. 'yun lang. mapalabas lang kung ano yung mga matagal ko ng tinatago sa kaloob-looban ko. the kisses were very very very big bonuses. hahaha. i never expected it. really. so thank you LORD. thank you kevin jake. :))
as of now, i don't know what's going on with ralph. i don't know how he feels. but i really hope he's fine.
and as for kevin jake, THANK YOU. i'll say this again. and i will be saying it again over and over. i hope you won't get tired of hearing it. it's you whom i chose. so smile. be happy. don't ever be sad again. do it for me. :))
as of the moment, i already have 65 messages in my inbox. but the 52nd message that came in when first i was constructing this post was...
i was not even saying any i love you's. haha.
<3 :)) :D
actually, i am really sleepy now. i just slept for 5 hours last night. i should be in bed right now. but i don't know why. tinatamad pa akong matulog. i felt that i should do something first before sleeping. so here i am, typing a new post.
i just want to share something --- something which happened yesterday. nobody knows this yet. but i think after i'll post this, the whole universe will know it already. that is! if someone, out of boredom, accidentally browsed my page out of nothing at all. haha.
okay. here is what the story is really. it's a continuation (sort of) of my last post. ralph texted me last sunday and everything followed. yesterday, i let jake (kevin) read our conversation (me and ralph). oh really i was nervous. it was like my hands were super shaking. then after, i let him made his comments and violent reactions. his first question was "mahal mo pa siya?" i immediately answered, "di na." then i had a little explanation about things until i ended up sharing to him what was REALLY our story. oh i know blogger you know already my story with ralph. so i won't relay it AGAIN in this post. haha. so that was it. i also explained to him the reasons why i don't believe easily. why sometimes i doubt. why i made a decision for him to wait for me until i graduate. the reasons for everything i am now. i told him that it was because I AM AFRAID. i am scared to trust again or expect easily. trauma in short. because of what happened in the past, i am traumatized now. my tears were almost falling that time i was explaining. but i was able to stop it. thank GOD. then he put his left hand around my waist and i lay my head also on his left shoulder. i don't know what to say anymore until such time these words came out my mouth. "thank you. dahil kahit bad ako, mahal mo pa rin ako. di ka napapagod mahalin ako. thank you at nandiyan ka pa rin kahit problema na lang lagi binibigay ko sa'yo." and you know what? i just burst into tears. i felt it. tears. TEARS. falling tears! i didn't know i was sobbing already. i was saying thank you and sorry to him with my eyes so full of droplets of water falling down. I WAS CRYING.
what kevin did? he wiped my tears. he offered me hanky but i refused. he hugged me tighter. he held my hand tighter. he put his face near mine. he kissed me. he kissed me over and over again. he kissed me on the lips over and over again. he kissed me on the cheeks. he kissed me on my forehead. he put his face close, closer to my cheeks.
then he said, "don't worry. di lagi ako maging kagaya ni ralph. di ko gagayahin si ralph. iba man ako. i am not one of them. hindi man sex ang hanap ko sa babae." i interrupted, "true love?" (with a little smirky smile) he answered, "YES." (with a little smirky smile too) then i told him, "sumbaga si ralph pag magkita mo. bali-balia jud iyang bukog. as in sipa sipa-i jud siya. (RAR!)" he replied, "oh ayaw kabalaka. sumbagon jud to nko sya pag mgkita mi. ngnong gipasakitan man ka nya. sumbagon jd to nko sya. wla syay klaro." (pasikat daun braces. haha.)
yesterday was also the first time he said to me I LOVE YOU in person.
last night was really a turning point. napalabas ko na talaga lahat ng hinanakit ko kay ralph na matagal ko ng tinatago. i cried. and mind you, it was the first time i cried to a boy personally. good thing kevin was there. if he wasn't there, oh i don't know what will happen to me yesterday. i was happy. very happy. not because of kevin's kisses! hahaha! oh it is a factor too. hahaha. but honestly, i didn't expect those kisses. all i want yesterday was that masabi ko lang kay kevin lahat lahat at maging clear na talaga sa kanya na siya talga pinili ko. 'yun lang. mapalabas lang kung ano yung mga matagal ko ng tinatago sa kaloob-looban ko. the kisses were very very very big bonuses. hahaha. i never expected it. really. so thank you LORD. thank you kevin jake. :))
as of now, i don't know what's going on with ralph. i don't know how he feels. but i really hope he's fine.
and as for kevin jake, THANK YOU. i'll say this again. and i will be saying it again over and over. i hope you won't get tired of hearing it. it's you whom i chose. so smile. be happy. don't ever be sad again. do it for me. :))
as of the moment, i already have 65 messages in my inbox. but the 52nd message that came in when first i was constructing this post was...
"I love you too..."
-0923_ _ _ _585
i was not even saying any i love you's. haha.
<3 :)) :D
Sunday, September 26, 2010
FOR THE FIRST TIME
it's a song i'm currently listening to right now. it's by the script. and i just fell in love with it. well, i decided that it will be my post's title now because something just happened today --- an event how i wished happened a year ago.
ralph texted me today. i was shocked somehow. he shared to me that there is already a sun signal in pantukan. i replied to him. yeah we texted. shared some stories. until i received the text containing this message --- "should i still wait? should i still expect?" i know what he meant. i just made it sure i was thinking the right thoughts. then i was right. he asked if he still has the chance. i answered not anymore. then he replied to me, "aw. hahahaha. i'm late." then i told him why did he just tell me that today when i waited for him for almost 2 years. where was he during those times? he answered "do i have an excuse for being late? at least i was not absent." i replied, "yeah you may not be late but you made your absence too long and you didn't gave me any assurance." he replied back "i have an excuse letter here. it's a 2 year old excuse letter. but it's already useless. it's denied before it has gotten to you." i didn't know exactly what to say after. i want to read that excuse letter. I WANT TO HEAR THAT EXCUSE LETTER. i want to hear it from him. what was he feeling about me all those times we were apart. i just said to him i want to read that excuse letter somehow. but he replied "never mind. joke lang to. haha." i said sorry to him. sorry because i don't want to hurt him. and i don't mean to hurt him. but he just said "Don't be sorry. I don't deserve it. Save it for the most important person in your life now." i texted him "thank you ralph. one of my happiest moments were with you. and i don't regret all the things we made." i am not sure of the exact words of his reply, but if my interpretation is right, his text was like this, "you'll forget it soon. especially now that you have a new love." but i won't. i will always carry that memory for the rest of my life. it's not an illusion ralph. it's a memory. you were in it. we were in it. his last text was "encourage him to draw or paint you. because painting a picture of you is like painting a thousand words. and it spells and defies what love is. go ahead. tell him now. i know he will rush for it." i was like speechless and thoughtless for a few minutes. i wanted to cry but i don't know why. iiyak ba sa panghihinayang o iiyak dahil hindi ko akalaing ganoon pala niya ako kamahal? ewan.
i also had my last text. i told him i still want to be friends with him. that i want to him to meet kevin soon. i said sorry and thank you. after that, i did not receive any text message anymore.
i just found the most mature ralph this day. i was happy. but i don't know what was that happiness for. if only he acted like this way way way before, then he would not have to ask if he's late or not now. maybe i'm happy because naka-text ko na rin siya ng matino after 2 years. that we have talked about certain things. maybe, this is already our way of closing what we had before. closure. our love story has ended now. there is no more twilight, new moon, eclipse and breaking dawn. no more edward. no more bella. sayang lang. sana sinabi niya lahat ng mga pinagsasabi niya kanina noon pa, yung panahon na mahal na mahal ko pa siya, yung halos hindi ko na alam ang gagawin sa kakahintay sa kanya. eto nga siguro yung sinasabi nilang, hindi kami para sa isa't isa. destiny just won't let us. we are just not meant to be.
RALPH,
I'm proud of you. You were man enough to accept the situation now. I know it's hard, I know it hurts, but I hope you'll be fine. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Thank you anyway. Raphelle is such a happy memory. I still want to be your friend. I am still your friend. Hope you feel the same way too.
ralph texted me today. i was shocked somehow. he shared to me that there is already a sun signal in pantukan. i replied to him. yeah we texted. shared some stories. until i received the text containing this message --- "should i still wait? should i still expect?" i know what he meant. i just made it sure i was thinking the right thoughts. then i was right. he asked if he still has the chance. i answered not anymore. then he replied to me, "aw. hahahaha. i'm late." then i told him why did he just tell me that today when i waited for him for almost 2 years. where was he during those times? he answered "do i have an excuse for being late? at least i was not absent." i replied, "yeah you may not be late but you made your absence too long and you didn't gave me any assurance." he replied back "i have an excuse letter here. it's a 2 year old excuse letter. but it's already useless. it's denied before it has gotten to you." i didn't know exactly what to say after. i want to read that excuse letter. I WANT TO HEAR THAT EXCUSE LETTER. i want to hear it from him. what was he feeling about me all those times we were apart. i just said to him i want to read that excuse letter somehow. but he replied "never mind. joke lang to. haha." i said sorry to him. sorry because i don't want to hurt him. and i don't mean to hurt him. but he just said "Don't be sorry. I don't deserve it. Save it for the most important person in your life now." i texted him "thank you ralph. one of my happiest moments were with you. and i don't regret all the things we made." i am not sure of the exact words of his reply, but if my interpretation is right, his text was like this, "you'll forget it soon. especially now that you have a new love." but i won't. i will always carry that memory for the rest of my life. it's not an illusion ralph. it's a memory. you were in it. we were in it. his last text was "encourage him to draw or paint you. because painting a picture of you is like painting a thousand words. and it spells and defies what love is. go ahead. tell him now. i know he will rush for it." i was like speechless and thoughtless for a few minutes. i wanted to cry but i don't know why. iiyak ba sa panghihinayang o iiyak dahil hindi ko akalaing ganoon pala niya ako kamahal? ewan.
i also had my last text. i told him i still want to be friends with him. that i want to him to meet kevin soon. i said sorry and thank you. after that, i did not receive any text message anymore.
i just found the most mature ralph this day. i was happy. but i don't know what was that happiness for. if only he acted like this way way way before, then he would not have to ask if he's late or not now. maybe i'm happy because naka-text ko na rin siya ng matino after 2 years. that we have talked about certain things. maybe, this is already our way of closing what we had before. closure. our love story has ended now. there is no more twilight, new moon, eclipse and breaking dawn. no more edward. no more bella. sayang lang. sana sinabi niya lahat ng mga pinagsasabi niya kanina noon pa, yung panahon na mahal na mahal ko pa siya, yung halos hindi ko na alam ang gagawin sa kakahintay sa kanya. eto nga siguro yung sinasabi nilang, hindi kami para sa isa't isa. destiny just won't let us. we are just not meant to be.
RALPH,
I'm proud of you. You were man enough to accept the situation now. I know it's hard, I know it hurts, but I hope you'll be fine. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Thank you anyway. Raphelle is such a happy memory. I still want to be your friend. I am still your friend. Hope you feel the same way too.
Bella.
What happened today? It's like the first time I and Ralph texted. It was like Oct. 22, 2008 again.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
I AM SAD
ako ay malungkot. at hindi ko alam. siguro alam ko, pero hindi ko lang inaamin. oh nga. alam ko. pero pinipilit kong huwag isipin dahil hindi naman dapat. di naman dapat ganito ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. dapat okay lng ko. relax kumbaga. chill. pero di ko maintindihan kung bakit ang bigat ng damdamin ko. halos anim na araw ko na itong nilalabanan at sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na "hoy! magising ka nga! dapat masaya ka ngayon!" pero hindi eh. kahit anong ngiti ko, kahit anong tawa ko, may kulang pa rin. haaaaaay ewan. ewan ko kung anong gagawin ko. hindi ko talaga alam. siguro nga dapat sinuntok ko na ang sarili ko. bahala na si batman.
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