i had many things planned for this break. write, draw, watch movie, guitar, blog, etc. there's only one thing i haven't done yet. and it's drawing. i was planning to go back to sketching and draw a portrait of someone i think i owe something. but too bad, i got lazy again getting my pencils and sketchpad. so i just dropped that idea and concentrate more on writing and watching movies.
i have already watched a couple of korean movies for the past days and one thai movie also. and i do admit, i cried in all those films. until today, i watched this film entitled "a millionaire's first love", this movie made me cry the most among all the films i watched this break.
cry? what's with cry? i know it's just normal to cry when watching melodramatic movies. but today's cry was really to the boiling point. it's SOBBING. my tears were really continuously flowing from time to time --- that even though i wanted to stop it, i FORCED to stop it, it just flowed and flowed, rolled down my cheeks. i can't even breathe because the mucus are sticking inside my nose. hahahaha. :))))))))
but what made me really wonder is that, why did i cry so hard for a movie? i am not like this before. oh yeah i cry but just two or three tears. not like now, i cried two or three liters of tears. hahaha. then i realized, it's not the movie i was crying for. it's what had happened before.
okay. last dec. 23, jake (kevin) and i called it "quits". i texted him the day before and after 21 hours, he replied. he replied to me with a message stating that he's ending our "relationship" and that he's sorry and said goodbye. and as for me, i think i have expected it already, so i just agreed to what he said. yeah i think it's better for us to be not romantically linked anymore. i think, like what he said, yeah, we're better off friends. i didn't ask anymore why he had came up with a decision like that, what's the reason behind all the cold things and what was really his FEELINGS during our cold stage. okay call me a jerk. you can slap me on the face, but my being understanding ignited again. maybe because i expected already the outcome, maybe because i knew already what would happen, that's why i didn't ask anymore for any explanations. we were even exchanging jokes and laughing on that text session we had. i just don't know if he was REALLY happy slash laughing at that moment. i just don't know if I was REALLY happy slash laughing at that moment.
i think the movie "a millionaire's first love" was just my excuse to cry. it was just my excuse to sob for something i don't want to grieve for anymore. it was my excuse to go back to that day i want to forget. it was my excuse to say goodbye to all the things i had with jake. it was my excuse to instill in my mind that i will undergo another move on surgery in my life. it was a very good excuse. and i thank God for that excuse.
"THE HARDEST PART OF ENDING IS STARTING AGAIN."
-Linkin Park
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